THE SCIENCE OF ASKING

Ask, then
ask again.

Most of us talk about ourselves when we want to make a good impression.

Two people seen from behind at a small café table by a window, one leaning in to listen while the other talks — AI-generated image, not a photograph of a real person or place.

Ask more than you think
Follow the answer
Go a little deeper
Small questions, warmer talk

Studies of thousands of conversations point the other way: the people who ask questions, and above all follow-up questions, tend to be the ones their partner likes more.

Updated 16 October 2026

THE SHORT ANSWER

Questions make
people feel heard.

Three findings from conversation research.
None of them needs a script.

LIKING

Askers are better liked

In Harvard chat studies, people told to ask at least nine questions in 15 minutes came across as more responsive, and more likable, than people told to ask at most four.

Check a question

FOLLOW-UPS

The answer is the cue

Follow-up questions build on what the other person just said. Researchers say they signal that you were listening, which is why they seem to help most.

See the numbers

DEPTH

Deep talk is less awkward

In 12 experiments, strangers expected deep conversations to be awkward. They were less awkward and more enjoyable than people predicted.

Why we hold back

A QUICK QUESTION CHECK

How does this
question land?

Pick a way of asking to see what the studies found. The bar shows how well that approach tended to go down with the person being asked.

Based on published psychology studies with adult volunteers. Results are averages, and every conversation is different.

Question check

Choose an approachAsking very few questionsAsking plenty of questionsA follow-up questionQuestions but no sharingA deeper question to a stranger

Asking very few questionsLess warmth

In a 15-minute chat study, people told to ask at most four questions were liked less by their partners than people told to ask at least nine.

Asking plenty of questionsBetter liked

People told to ask at least nine questions came across as more responsive to their partner, and so more likable.

A follow-up questionBest of all

Follow-ups were the most common type of question, and the researchers found they were especially likely to increase liking because they show you were listening.

Questions but no sharingCan backfire

A barrage of questions without telling the other person anything about yourself may come across as guarded, or even invasive, the researchers warn.

A deeper question to a strangerBetter than expected

Deep conversations with strangers felt less awkward, more enjoyable and more connecting than people predicted beforehand.

Sources: Huang and colleagues, It Doesn't Hurt to Ask (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017), as reported by APS and Harvard Business School; Kardas, Kumar and Epley, Overly Shallow? (JPSP, 2021), APA press release.

TWO NUMBERS WORTH KNOWING

Most good questions
are follow-ups.

One figure on the questions people ask,
one on how big the deep-talk studies were.

44%

Share of questions that were follow-ups

Research assistants hand-labelled 368 chat transcripts into six question types. Follow-ups were the most common, at 44 percent of all questions asked.

QUESTION TYPES · HARVARD 2017

1,800+

People in the deep conversation studies

Across 12 experiments with more than 1,800 participants, people consistently underestimated how interested their conversation partner would be in learning about them.

DEEP TALK · APA 2021

In a speed-dating data set of 110 people and more than 2,000 conversations, the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. Asking one more question on each of 20 dates would, on average, bring one more yes.

Two adults sitting at either end of a park bench in autumn, turned towards each other in conversation, seen from a distance — AI-generated image, not a photograph of a real person or place.

FOUR HABITS TO TRY

Better questions,
no script needed.

None of these takes preparation. They are about listening to the answer you just got and letting it shape the next question.

Set a small goal
One researcher suggests going into a conversation aiming to ask at least five questions, then listening and following up.
Build on the answer
Pick up a detail from what the other person just said and ask about it. That is what makes a question a follow-up.
Share as well as ask
Balance questions with a little about yourself, so the conversation does not feel like an interview.
Go one step deeper
Try a question about what someone values or is grateful for. Strangers in studies found this less awkward than they expected.

WHY WE HOLD BACK

We underrate
other people's interest.

In the deep conversation studies, people stuck to small talk because they expected others to be less interested in their thoughts and feelings than they really were. Telling people about this finding made them choose deeper questions.

A classic 1997 study took the idea further with 36 questions in three sets, each more personal than the last. Pairs of strangers who worked through them felt closer than pairs who asked 36 small-talk questions.

Close-up of two people's hands around coffee cups on a wooden table, one hand mid-gesture during a conversation — AI-generated image, not a photograph of a real person or place.

Questions

Questions people ask

Do people really like you more if you ask questions?

In studies of online chats, people told to ask at least nine questions in 15 minutes were liked more by their partners than people told to ask at most four. Follow-up questions seemed to help most.

What is a follow-up question?

A question that builds on what the other person has just said, such as asking for more about a detail in their story. In one study they made up 44 percent of the questions people asked.

Can you ask too many questions?

Yes. The researchers warn that a barrage of questions without sharing anything about yourself can seem guarded or invasive, and rude or repetitive questions can hurt.

Are deep conversations with strangers awkward?

Less than people think. Across 12 experiments, both deep and shallow conversations went better than expected, and deep ones were more enjoyable and connecting.

What are the 36 questions?

A set of 36 questions from a 1997 study, in three sets that grow more personal. Strangers who asked each other these questions felt closer than pairs who asked small-talk questions.

Ask, then
ask again.